


The Many Resolutions of John H Watson

by TheWhiteLily



Series: Season Four Premiere Flashfic [6]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Also sweariness, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s04e01 The Six Thatchers, Epistolary, F/M, Fix-It, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Infidelity, John is not coping very well, POV John Watson, Spoilers, Why does AO3 do this to the tag order?!, Written prior to The Lying Detective, Yes I finally managed to do it from this direction, and hasn’t been for a while
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 12:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9234602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWhiteLily/pseuds/TheWhiteLily
Summary: Ella thinks it would do me good to keep a diary, but there’s no fucking way I’m ever going near that blog again. So.Here it is.Diary of John H Watson.God help us all.





	1. Chapter 1

Ella thinks it would do me good to keep a diary, but there’s no fucking way I’m ever going near that blog again. So.

Here it is.

Diary of John H Watson.

~~God help us all.~~

* * *

Today was a bad day.

Rosie won’t stop crying. She misses Mary, I think. She looks up all hopeful, when I walk into the room, and bursts into tears again when she sees me.

~~How can I ever be enough for~~

~~I miss her too.~~

* * *

Had another appointment with Ella.

 ~~She says I’m projecting blame to~~  
~~She says I’m carrying around a lot of guilt for~~  
~~She says I’m avoiding accepting responsibility for my own~~  
~~I always walk out of a session with her wondering how she can be so smart and so stupid at the same time. Sometimes it’s a bit like talking to Sher~~  
~~I wish~~

Ella says I can’t change the past, I can only try to accept it, and learn from it. She’s right about that part, at least. So I’ve made some resolutions. I’m going to be different now.

From now on:

  1. Rosie comes first
  2. No chasing danger
  3. No texting flirty homewreckers
  4. No Sherlock Holmes
  5. Get through this



~~I have to get through this.~~

* * *

Another bad day.

Molly can settle her, at least. That’s something.

~~And it won’t last forever. She’ll start to forget Ma~~

Mary was always better with her than I was. ~~I should be glad she won’t settle, it means she’s still rememb~~

They’re all bad days, really.

* * *

I’ve been ignoring Edwina’s texts. She doesn’t seem to want to let it go, but every time I heard the phone buzz I felt sick.

I shouldn’t have done that to it, though. It didn’t help anything.

* * *

Got a new phone.

Thought I saw him leaving, on my way back from the shop. Molly didn’t say anything, but she wouldn’t, after the way I reacted last time he came up in conversation.

I hope she gave him the note. I hope he fucking reads it, and stays the fuck away from us ~~, because if I see him I might just~~

~~Mary would still be alive if he wasn't such a~~

* * *

Edwina’s still texting me.

I should have changed my number. At least it makes a different sound now.

I’m still not answering, because:

  1. Rosie comes first
  2. Keep a hold on your temper
  3. No texting flirty homewreckers
  4. No chasing danger
  5. No Sherlock Holmes



I will get through this.

* * *

It’s not Edwina’s fault, not really. She’s not the one who made promises to Mary. And broke them.

I texted her back. Told her my wife had died, and to please leave me alone. She only sent me one more after that, asking if there was anything she could do.

It doesn’t matter, I’m not going to see her again.

* * *

  1. Rosie comes first
  2. Keep a hold on your temper
  3. Stand by your word.
  4. Be a father Rosie can be proud of
  5. And NO SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES



* * *

I don’t know what I’d do without Molly and Mrs H. They were such good choices for godparents.

~~Not like~~

* * *

~~He didn’t even need you, not really. He never needed you. You replaced yourself with a bright red fucking BALLOON for three hours before he even noticed. He never appreciated the blog, never wanted it, and with you there he couldn’t even give poor Greg the credit for solving cases like he they both wanted. He’s an arrogant, obnoxious, sociopathic arsehole, and the only reason he ever kept you around was because he liked the way your pathetic sycophancy fed into his massive, overinflated ego.~~

~~Why didn’t he resent her, even a little bit? Even when she fucking shot him! It would have made it easier if sometimes, just sometimes, I’d had to be the one on her side when she fucked up. Or on his. But no, it was always them against me.~~

~~What would have happened, if I’d been the one there? Would I have saved him and left her alone like she left me? Would I even have been able to see and move as quickly as~~

Rosie. Focus on Rosie.

* * *

She slept through last night.

I woke up and the sun was shining and I’d slept like a log for ten hours ~~, and I ran into her room because I thought she must be dead, and she looked at me and smiled Mary’s smile and I had to throw up into the nappy bin.~~

I wish Mary could have been here to enjoy it. ~~Although I suppose now sleep isn’t really a problem for~~

* * *

Why can I never be satisfied? Rosie’s stopped crying all the time, she’s stopped complaining about daycare, and I’m managing work more consistently than I have ~~since Sherlock got back~~ for a long time.

Of course I miss Mary. That’s understandable. The other stuff is not.

Ella's right.

Chasing around the world after sociopaths, running towards murderers, waking up in the middle of the night to look at dismembered corpses. That’s not what normal people do. That’s not the life I want for her. Mary’s dead and I'm all Rosie’s got.

~~You thought he was magic. That he could always keep his promises. He came back from the fucking dead after you asked him for a miracle. But he’s not a god. No one can promise they’ll live long in his world. He isn’t safe. You can’t afford to get killed running around after Sherlock Holmes.~~

You’ve got responsibilities, John Watson. Rosie comes first.

* * *

God, I wish she’d sleep through again. Just once more. Just once.

~~Sometimes I wish she’d never been bor~~

* * *

Rosie’s smile is just like Mary’s, have I mentioned that? She’s a beautiful baby. One day she’ll be a beautiful woman, like Mary.

~~I just hope she’s not as completely fucked up as~~

~~But really, what chance has she got with genetics like hers? Even if she'd still been alive, Molly and Mrs H would have been the only normal role models she could have had. Even Sherlock’s a better role model than me. What kind of man cheats on his wife because his best friend liked her more than he did him? Checking in with her before taking me out for walks to crime sce~~

I loved her ~~, and I betrayed~~

* * *

She loved me too ~~, so she kept saying. Even though every time I thought she’d told me the truth it turned out to be another lie. Although she wasn’t the only one.~~

~~I never felt like she trusted me. Or believed in me. Neither did he, not after~~

~~She said that being my wife was the only life worth living, but what if I never wanted to be just her husband? Left behind and superseded and lied to and treated like a princess in a tower only fit to be protected, just like when Sh~~

~~They joked about it.~~

~~It never mattered when he joked about it, before, because~~ ~~I never really thought he meant it, deep down, until he left me behind. And then she did it, too. They kept doing it.~~

~~Is that what this was about? Was I jealous of her being Rosemund Mary? So jealous I couldn’t believe she would ever rather be just Mary Watson?~~

~~Why would anyone want that?~~

* * *

Edwina texted me again. Just hoping I was okay.

That was nice.

* * *

Everything I see makes me think about her, makes it hurt more. Mrs H fills the gaps with chatter, Molly looks sad all the time ~~, but then they go home and it’s just me and Rosie’s and I know she’s a person but it’s not the same, nothings the same when I’m sleeping in the big bed where she should be too, but she’s not there and she’ll never be there again.~~

~~I haven’t felt so alone since Sherlo~~

I feel so alone. ~~So alone.~~

* * *

He turned up again. I thought I saw him last week, but I wasn’t sure. He wasn’t approaching me, not really. Just watching from the end of the row while I pushed Rosie around the Sainsburys in the trolley, pretending to be fascinated by packets of dried vegan noodles. He thinks he’s invisible in that bloody hoodie of his. I’m not sure he realised I saw him.

Who am I kidding, he’s Sherlock Holmes, of course he realised.

~~Should report him for bloody stalki~~

He looked worse. ~~God, I hope he’s not back on the dr~~

It’s not my business, he’s a grown man. He can look after himself.

Rosie needs me.

* * *

You are a weak, pathetic adrenaline addict and you should be ashamed of yourself. While Molly thought you were getting some groceries?! Mary’s only been dead for six weeks, have some fucking respect. Molly doesn’t have to help you with Rosie, she certainly doesn’t do it so you can get your end in.

You loved Mary, she was your world. And you betrayed her because you were feeling jealous and bored and belittled. You sent her to die because you had too much fucking faith in Sherlock Fucking Holmes.

You don’t get to have what you want. Not anymore.

  1. Rosie comes first.
  2. No more lies or broken promises
  3. Keep it in your fucking pants
  4. Stop fucking up
  5. No Sherlock Holmes




	2. Chapter 2

I broke it off with Edwina. This time for good. And I told Ella about it.

She’s got a special face she does when she’s not judging me for something she thinks is spectacularly stupid.

~~Mostly, does it when I mentioned Sherlo~~

~~Although I don’t talk about Sherlock to her anymo~~

She said it’s normal for me to feel lonely, but that I need to make sure I’m meeting my needs in constructive ways.

Ha!

~~It’s not about sex. It was never about sex. That’s not what I miss most. Maybe I should see if Isaac needs breaking out of another crack house, that would be constructive even if Ella wouldn’t exactly  ROSIE~~

~~God, he was right about me.  He was always right about me.  I'm going to work and making the dinner and washing the clothes and taking care of Rosie and I feel like I'm drowning because nothing. ever. happens. to me.~~

Anyway, I’m not going to see Edwina again. I deleted her number. She’s nice, she’s really nice, and it’s nice to be liked, to feel like I might not  _be_ alone forever, but Ella was right, it was making me feel worse. Now just isn’t the time. Not for anything.

  1. Rosie comes first.
  2. No more lies or broken promises
  3. Stop trying to fill the void with things that won’t help
  4. Find ‘constructive ways’ to meet my needs
  5. No Sherlock Holmes



Maybe I should buy an exercise bike.

* * *

~~I’ve been reading the news, and I can’t stop noticing the weird cases.~~

~~He’s not solving them.~~

~~Last year, he was solving everything: four, five cases all at once.~~

~~Why isn’t he solving them?~~

* * *

Sometimes I don’t think about her for a few hours and then suddenly something reminds me.

When’s that supposed to start happening? When does someone we love being gone stop being everything and start being a lance that somehow hurts even more when it hits?

I miss her in so many different ways.

I turn around to tell her something about Rosie, and she’s not there. Roll over in bed and reach out, and it’s empty.  Come in the front door and put down my keys, but there's no one in the house.   ~~Hear a loud noise and dive for cover, and look to find where she's aimi~~

I still can’t believe she’s really gone forever. ~~It feels like if I actually started trying to move on with my life, she’d pop up in a false moustache in a restaurant in two years time. Surprise! It was all another lie because you’re sweet, but stupid, and I couldn’t bear it if anything hurt you.~~

* * *

Fucking Sherlock Holmes. Why didn’t he just wait for backup before going in?

~~Why could he never _ever_ wait for anyone? It was always going to get him killed.~~

~~Or someone else.~~

* * *

I’ve been asking too much of Molly, I think. She never complains, but she’s tired I think.  So’s Mrs Hudson.  She does her best, but Rosie’s exhausting for a woman of her age.

Ella says it’s a good sign that I’m starting to be able to notice that kind of thing.

Once a week, that’s as much as I should call her.

  1. Rosie comes first
  2. Think about other people too
  3. Don’t try to fill the void with things that won’t help
  4. Find ‘constructive ways’ to meet my needs
  5. Stay away from Sherlock Holmes



* * *

I hope he’s okay.

I had a dream last night, and it wasn’t about the aquarium. Well. Not at first.

It was Afghanistan.

I hope he’s okay.

I can’t believe I actually hadn’t made the connection before, because I’ve never forgotten what it felt like to have someone take a bullet for me. It fucks you up. Well, it fucked me up. It took Sherlock to unfuck me again.  ~~And then refuck me up by~~

If that bullet hadn't hit Franklin's leg instead of my heart, I wouldn't have been there to save Sherlock.  He was just a kid, but he saved _two_ lives that day.  More, when I was helping Sherlock.   ~~At least I thought I was helping Sherlock.~~

God knows what it would do to Sherlock. ~~Business as usual probably.~~

~~He jumped off a building in front of me and thought I’d be totally fine with it. Thought it would be _funny_ when he came back. Because he’s a _sociopath_. Of course he wouldn’t care.~~

~~I wish I’d been there, I would have~~  
~~Maybe I should~~  
~~I shouldn’t have said~~

I’m sure he’s fine.

~~He never needed me at all. Neither did she. _They_ should have been the ones who got~~

* * *

Greg called. Wanted to know how I was doing. Told him I was fine, it was getting easier.

He started to ask if I’d seen Sherlock lately, but he chickened out. That’s not a good sign.

It doesn’t matter.

~~I haven’t seen him at the supermarket recently. God, I hope it’s not the drugs.~~

* * *

Edwina dropped by unannounced.  Not long after Rosie had gone to bed.

When she left, I told her it couldn't happen again.

Again.  I'm not sure she believed me.

I'm not sure I believe myself.

I’m such a failure.

  1. Rosie comes first
  2. Be the father I want Rosie to have
  3. Find a way to meet my needs constructively, so I can stop _doing_ this
  4. Stop lying to myself, or anyone else
  5. Stay away from Sherlock Holmes



I'm definitely buying that exercise bike tomorrow.   ~~But I don't think it will help.  Nothing will help while I'm~~

* * *

What would have happened if we’d gone in together? If we’d left together when when Molly arrived like she wanted?

Would we have walked in to find him bleeding out? Telling us we’d been what made his life worth living?

God, of course Sherlock wouldn’t have said that.

~~Would I have blamed her, that it was her past that killed him?~~

~~It was always _my_ job to keep him safe. Did I think she’d feel any different? Would I have wanted her to?~~

What would he have said to me?

~~Goodbye, John.~~

* * *

Shit. Shit shit shit FUCK!

She’s gone. Someone’s taken Rosie. The AGRA thing’s too well known now, after Vivian Norbury’s trial and even with Mary dead someone wanted… One million pounds.

A _million fucking pounds_.

I said I didn’t have it, but the voice on the phone said—

Will her lies ever going to stop coming back to bite us? Of _course_ she was paid well! She was a fucking _assassin_ , a hired killer working for whoever paid the most! She was the best in the business, for years and years and _years_.

~~I’m such a fucking idiot. She lived like she was normal, because _she was in hiding_. All those discussions we had about budgeting, and she never wanted to know, always said it would work out, the spontaneous world trip, that extra few thousand she found when the house she liked was too far out of our~~

She can’t have used it all. There’s got to be _something_ left.

~~I thought we could forget about her past, but it’s never going away, it’s always going to be there waiting to come back again, even when she’s dead.~~

I hope Sherlock comes out of his trance soon and knows what to do: where she hid it, or where to find them, I don’t have a fucking clue ~~because she never trusted me, not ever~~.

She’s everything I’ve got left.

* * *

I’ll never think a cross word about her again, never going to let her out of my fucking _sight_ again. She can cry all fucking night and I’ll sing myself hoarse and I’ll never be angry at her, I’ll never resent her. I just want her back _home_.

  1. Rosie comes first.
  2. Rosie comes first.
  3. Rosie comes first.
  4. Rosie comes first.
  5. Rosie comes first.



Please, God. Let her live.

* * *

Thank God, thank God, thank God.

Thank Sherlock.

She’s asleep now. I just wanted to stare at her all night and never look away, but I made myself leave her in peace. I’ve been popping in every few minutes, just to make sure.

Sherlock, he was… he was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Amazing. When I told him what had happened, I saw it—the flash in there, and then he went blank, and cold like any other case, and I wanted to scream at him but I knew he was right. He asked for details. Asked about the woman I’d been seeing. About the time she came to the house. When I’d met her. How. God, I was so stupid. All along. _All along_.  Sherlock would have seen straight through her, I'm sure.  I thought I was keeping Rosie safe, keeping him away, but maybe I was just...

He found her. Thank God. He got to her first, and I let him because I had the gun. I might not shoot like Mary, but I can put someone down who needs it.

I heard him talking to her, while he was curled around her behind that table, while I was holding my gun on the leader of those low-life kidnapping _bastards_ who took my daughter and trying to keep enough of a handle on my temper that I didn’t make the mistake that would get me and then all of us killed.

“It’s nearly over,” he was whispering, “you’ve been so brave, Rosie. Just like your daddy. It’s all right now, we’ve got you. Be brave a little longer, and you’ll be home with him very soon. He’ll look after you. He’s the best man I know, Rosie, and he’ll keep you safe, he’ll keep you right.”

How could he even _say_ that about me?

I can’t even keep myself right.

And then he, he…

Who leaves a seven month old baby alone on the floor in the middle of a firefight? Sherlock Holmes, that’s fucking who, because he left her there behind that table and he stood up and walked out like he was made of kevlar when he knew perfectly well he could have been killed too, and he talked to them, just like he talked to Norbury and he kept on talking until…

God he’s not a fucking sociopath, he’s _never_ been fucking sociopath. I know better than that. The look on his face when it was all over. I thought he was going to cry when he looked at us together, but then it went away again, like it always does. Just that little nod, that’s all he did, and walked away.

Walked away after he’d saved Rosie’s life, like it was nothing, like he wasn’t even expecting any gratitude. Not from me.

Friends protect people.

That’s what he did. What he’s always done. That’s what _Mary_ did.

Not me. Too wound up in my hurt and jealousy and guilt and my own stupid life choices to put the blame on Vivian _fucking_  Norbury where it fucking belonged.

He says I keep _him_ right?

God, what it must have done to him. I was a soldier, I was trained for this kind of thing, and I didn’t even have some selfish bastard telling me that it was my fault when he knew it was his own. I _screamed_ at him about the stupid vow it was my fault for believing in the first place. And he’s…

I’m such an arse. Such a fucking stupid fucking selfish arse.

He’s an idiot. But I’ve always known that. Because so am I.

I need to talk to him.

* * *

Ella says I can’t change the past, I can only try to accept it, and learn from it. She’s right. So I’ve made some resolutions. I’m going to be different now.

  1. Rosie comes first.
  2. Be the father I want Rosie to have.
  3. Stop lying to myself, or anyone else.
  4. Acknowledge my own needs and make sure I’m meeting them constructively.
  5. Stay close to Sherlock Holmes.



* * *

**I'm back**

Hi everyone. I haven’t updated here for a long time—a very long time. I’m sure by now everyone has learned of my sad bereavement last year. Mary was the light of my life; she was my whole world, and none of us will ever forget her.

Rosie and I have moved back in with Sherlock. We’re trying to get back to normal, or normal I guess, for us. To be honest, I’m not sure how exactly this is going to work, but I know that this is something I need to do for the people I love, and for myself.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever write up the case that Sherlock just solved. It’s one that’s a little too close to the bone for me to know how to tell it. Suffice it to say Sherlock was incredible and spectacular, as he always is, that he solved the entire thing based on a fractured window clasp and the intonation of a scrambled voicemail, and that the scumbags who did it got precisely what they deserved.

Hopefully I’ll be updating soon with some new cases though. So please, if something weird happens to you, something that you think needs Sherlock Holmes to solve it—drop me a line!

221B Baker Street is open for business.

(15 comments)  
E. Thompson  
This is not what I meant, John.

Molly Hooper  
Oh thank god. Sherlock: tag you’re it. Mrs H and I are going to get some sleep.

Molly Hooper  
Sorry, I didn’t mean… you know I’m really glad she’s okay, John. And that you’re feeling a bit better.

John Watson  
It’s okay Molly, I understand. You’re an amazing godmother, you and Mrs H. Far better than I deserve. I don’t know how I would have got this far without both of you. Sherlock too.

Molly Hooper  
It’s my pleasure, John. Make sure you call me any time you need. :)

Greg Lestrade  
John, they were beaten to a bloody pulp! One of them had to have _eight_ fractures pinned!

John Watson  
Precisely.

Greg Lestrade  
Yes, quite, I take your point. I suppose I should be glad they’re alive. Just next time try waiting for backup, okay?

John Watson  
There will _be_ no next time, Greg.

Sherlock Holmes  
That’s why they are alive. They’ll spread the word. Rosie is off-limits.

Greg Lestrade  
Well, you'd better.  Because I’ve got something new for you. I’ll be by tomorrow. Just. Stay on the books with this one, will you?

theimprobableone  
looking forward to it

John Watson  
We will, Greg. We’ve got responsibilities.

Sherlock Holmes  
Yes, we do.

E. Thompson  
John, please call me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, just noticed the end note for chapter 1 was on the whole story, so it ended up at the end of chapter 2 for a while. To be clear, there is no next part: this is the end.
> 
> Hope you all benefited from the catharsis I needed after the trauma of TST. :)


End file.
